


Fine Line

by Scarlett_Oakenshield



Series: With Love, From a Sunflower [5]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Book 5: Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, Defense Against the Dark Arts, Dolores Umbridge Being an Asshole, Drama & Romance, Established Relationship, Gen, Jealous Severus Snape, Protective Severus Snape, possible sexual content
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-29
Updated: 2020-10-29
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:27:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,999
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27258664
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Scarlett_Oakenshield/pseuds/Scarlett_Oakenshield
Summary: "The question of will you join the Order or not proceeds to plague you for the rest of the week."A distant dread brews trouble for Kit and Snape, threatening the relationship they've been working on for four, going on five years and leading to a mix of negative feelings, secrets that must be kept, miscommunication, and jealousy. And with political drama leading to the appointment of a flashy defense against the dark arts teacher that is the epitome of the worst kind of political power, Hogwarts is changing too, and not for the better. Will Kit and Snape be able to pull through?
Relationships: Severus Snape/Reader
Series: With Love, From a Sunflower [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1553173
Comments: 1
Kudos: 16





	Fine Line

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everyone! Welcome back to "With Love, from a Sunflower". I'm so happy to be writing this again. The rest of the story won't be out for a month or so, but I wanted to post the first chapter as a sort of pilot/preview for this next installment. Enjoy! And I hope I'll post more of this soon!

With Love, from a Sunflower: Part 5

Fine Line

* * *

**_“Put a price on emotion_ **

**_I'm looking for something to buy_ **

**_You've got my devotion_ **

**_But man, I can hate you sometimes._ **

**_Test of my patience_ **

**_There's things that we'll never know_ **

**_You sunshine, you temptress_ **

**_My hand's at risk, I fold.”_ **

**_~ Harry Styles~_ **

* * *

_“You know what you have to do, don’t you Severus?” Dumbledore asks, raising a brow._

_“Yes, Headmaster.” I reply coolly. I knew what I had to do, of course I did. And I had never dreaded anything more in my life._

* * *

I: Secrets are the Enemies of Passion

I told Dumbledore that I would not be such a coward as Karkaroff. But the truth? I’m lying. I know I need to be brave…but I’m terrified. Because of _you_.

If he’s back, then that means I have a job to do. My double-agent gig was on hold…until now. And you’re in the middle of all of this. I should leave you. But you’ll never understand. You’ll just get hurt. I can’t do that.

_Is it crueler to leave you or keep you close to me?_

If I keep you close to me then I won’t have to rely on the cheap words of others to keep you safe. But what if…if _they_ find out about you, they’ll question my loyalty. I’d have to hide you. The only way to do that would be to lock the door and hide the key.

If I leave you, I’ll break your heart. You’ll stay away from me and you won’t be caught in the middle. You’ll be protected from me and my haunted past. But I’ll break your heart. I can’t do that. I don’t want to do that.

_Isn’t there some other way?_

…Either way. There’s still some time yet. _I hope._ As for what I’ll do. I’ll hold you as long as I possibly can. The last thing I want to do is break your heart in two. Because I… Because I _love_ you more than words could say. And it hurts. But it’s the most wonderful pain I’ve ever felt. 

* * *

You lay in Severus's embrace, his strong arms curled tightly around your small body, with your face buried in the crook of his neck. He’s holding you tightly with one arm. The other is placed behind his head, as he stares off sadly at the galaxy ceiling. The darkness of the death eater brand has faded some, but it is still visible.

“Darling, will you please tell me what’s wrong?” you ask, “You’ve been so melancholy lately.”

“I’ve just been thinking a lot. That’s all.” he says.

“About?”

“Things. My past, and the job Dumbledore’s assigned me. We won’t be seeing each other as much. So, I suppose, you could say that the reason for my melancholy is the fact that I can’t help but think of how much I’m going to miss you.”

“Aww, Sev…b-but we’ll have some time together.” you reassure, “Though I’ll certainly miss you too.”

“What are you going to do when I’m away?” he asks.

“I’m going to take care of Spinner’s End,” you declare.

A ghostly smile passes over his thin lips for a second. He kisses you, and then leans over to the nightstand and puts out the lights.

**_Summer 1995_ **

The last thing you needed was political drama involving the Hogwarts headmaster. But nowadays, that was pretty much the only thing in the _Daily Prophet,_ which, in the current moment, you found that the only reason you read it anymore was because it pissed you off. The thing that got under your skin was the fact that the _Prophet_ kept mentioning Harry Potter as a stand-in joke. You couldn’t vent about it to Snape, because all it did was create tension. The boy was traumatized last year, and the fact that he was mentioned several times as a joke really put an awful taste in your mouth. The other thing that kept constantly flowing into the spew of nonsense from the _Prophet_ was that Dumbledore was only sharing that You-Know-Who had come back to stir up trouble in the Ministry, and they were extremely at odds with him now. Also according to the _Prophet,_ Harry Potter was a nutcase, and Dumbledore was going senile.

You’re sitting at the table, shaking your head while you sip your tea as you pool over the _Daily Prophet._ Snape is sitting across from you, reading the fancy copy of _The Hobbit_ you’d gifted him last Christmas.

After a while, he puts down his book and looks up, “If it gets you so worked up, why are you still reading that codswallop, Kit?”

You lower the paper with a swish, “I like to know what’s going on. Seriously though, the Ministry is being ridiculous.” 

He shrugs, “They’re too cowardly to face their problems, so they avoid them. Hmph. They never get anything done, but that’s just how the government is.” he closes his book and sets it on the table, and then gets up to take his now empty teacup to the sink. He glances at the clock. “I have to go.” he says. You get up from the table and follow him to the front door. He puts on his shoes and you help him into his cloak.

“I’ll be back late,” he says. 

You nod, unsmiling, “Stay safe.” He doesn’t respond, but gives you a goodbye kiss instead, then he’s out the door and walking down the entryway path with his back to you. You sigh as you lock the door behind him. He’d been working way more lately, and you’ve scarcely had any time together. All your wizard friends are too busy for you, and you don’t talk to your family anymore, so most of the time, it’s just you, your barn owl, Jareth, and Snape’s cat, Lily, at home during the week. You’d tried to take up your barista gig again, but they said they didn’t need you because they had a full team of underpaid college students already working for them.

So, you spent your weeks housekeeping, taking care of the animals, grocery shopping, trying to get better in the kitchen, decorating the house, listening to music, only occasionally polishing your lesson plans. You might go see a movie once every couple of weeks, and if you were sick of staying in house, and when you’d already done the housekeeping for the week, you’d even go so far as to take a day trips to mainland Europe, visiting your favorite spots and old towns in France, Spain, and sometimes Germany. On days when you didn’t want to spend almost five hours round trip, you’d venture to Diagon Alley instead, which was much quieter than usual at this time of year. You also tried to get yourself to exercise regularly, practice magic, and write and draw, because you desperately needed to distract yourself from your loneliness. 

Despite all that you had to do, the routine quickly began to grow boring and lonesome without the love of your life. You were glad he promised you at least one day a week. He hadn’t broken that promise yet, so at least there was that. But every other day you found yourself lonely and down in the dumps, and eventually, your creative motivations began to dwindle.

What was really bothering you, though, was the fact that Severus wouldn’t tell you exactly what he was doing or where he was going. “On assignment for Dumbledore” was vague and you didn’t like it, especially when you were familiar with Dumbledore’s questionable and dangerous orders. If you tried to ask precisely what kind of work Severus was doing, he’d either dodge the question, or change the subject completely. It was frustrating, and you began to think about worst case scenarios regularly. You’d find yourself thinking about the worse possible worst-case scenarios you could, and when he would get home later and later than usual, you feared for his life. You knew he was keeping something from you again. You were getting tired of his secretiveness. And you had no one to rant about it because everyone was busy. The only ones you could talk to were Lily and Jareth, but they only listened, they couldn’t exactly give you advice like Eliza, Renee, or Stella could. 

-xXx-

Today was just the same. After a kiss goodbye, you’re left alone. You finish breakfast and tidy the kitchen. Then you go put your makeup on to run errands. You do grocery shopping (including potion ingredients and pet necessities), clean the house, do the yardwork, water the Sunflowers and Lilies outside, rearrange the decorations you’d rearranged yesterday, procrastinate cooking by playing with the animals (if they were up for it) and looking for houses (because Severus had mentioned potentially moving), make _something_ that could be reheated, exercise, have a snack that probably ruins all that time you spent burning calories, try to be creative and fail, and then lose motivation for everything so sit down and do nothing except listen to music, read a comic book, or watch tele. Then you’d wait hours for Snape to come home. You wouldn’t sleep until he walked through the door. 

-xXx-

It was now evening, and after spending a slow day doing a whole lot of nothing, you were sitting on the sofa teasing Lily with a feather toy while Jareth was asleep in the dark void that was you and Severus’s room. You waved the toy in front of her bright green eyes, while she intensely followed it, and then when she jumped for it, you pulled it away. Wave. Jump. Pull away. Repeat. This went on for several minutes. Then she got bored and found a different toy, a ball, to play with.

Since she was no longer interested in you, you got up to make your fourth cup of tea of the day. That was the same routine too. Fill the kettle. Put the kettle on the stove. Boil the water. Debate for several minutes what tea you want from your stash. Put the tea bag in the mug. Wait. While you wait, Lily will probably wander into the kitchen and jump up on the counter or the table, neither of which is allowed. So, you spend some time going back and forth with her. You pick her up. Move her. She waits until you’re not looking. She comes back. Jumps on the table or counters again. You pick her up. Move her. Repeat. Kettle screams. Lily has won the “debate”. You pour the boiling water over the teabag. Wait for five minutes. Take it back to the couch. Put the mug on the coaster. Turn on music with one eye and keep the other one on Lily to make sure she doesn’t knock your perfectly brewed tea over. Sip and sing along. Finish your high noon tea. And then a few hours later eat dinner by yourself. Then, go shower.

By the time Snape comes home you look the same as you did when he left, having taken off all your makeup and gotten back into his black satin button up you used for pyjamas. Right before he gets home, Jareth wakes up and screams at you to let him out for his nighttime hunt, which you do. And then you curl up on the couch with another cup of warm tea, a plush throw blanket, and a cat. 

-xXx- 

Snape slams the door open and storms into the house. It startles Lily, so she takes off. He throws off his cloak, hangs it up on the rack by the door, doesn’t say “Hello” to you, and then swoops up the secret staircase behind one of your drawing room bookcases into the bedroom. 

“Hey what’s wrong?” you ask when he comes back in just his trousers and button-down.

He grits his teeth, “People are what’s wrong.” he hisses, “You’re the only one I actually like on this God-forsaken planet." 

_Thanks?_

You kick the blanket off and get up from the couch, taking your tea to the kitchen and setting it at your place, “Sit down and take a breather, and I’ll heat it up your dinner for you.” You gently push him down into the chair by the shoulders and slide the tea in front of him, “You can have this, I’ll make another one for myself.”

You gauge the fact that he is in no mood for conversation, so you quietly go about your business, with the only sound in the room being the music from the record player.

“Your music is too loud. Play something quieter!" Snape demands.

“Don't snap at me!" You pick up your wand from the counter. You enchant the food to heat up and serve itself, and then wave the wand in the direction of the record player to switch the music from the jazz record Lupin had given you to easy-listening classical. Once that’s done, you turn the gramophone down a few notches.

“Just because you had a bad day doesn’t mean you get to take it out on me.” you say. 

“I wasn’t. All I said was play something quieter.”

“Yeah, but you could have taken a nicer tone, you know.” you reply.

You turn around to manage the food, checking to make sure it’s hot enough. You give it a stir, and then set the bowl back in the microwave for a few more moments and check it again. Once it’s done, you half-slam it in front of him and then go to leave the kitchen. You leave him to eat alone and then go to scoop up Lily, who has recovered from being startled and made her way back to the couch. You sit down on the sofa again, putting her in your lap. She curls up into a loaf on your thighs, and you stroke her lightly. You pretend to ignore Severus’s eye roll and let him eat by himself.

But finally, you break in again, “It’s frustrating! I spend the whole day all by myself following the same boring routine because no one has time for me anymore. You coming home is the only thing I look forward to! But then when you do come home, you’re in a bad mood and I get the cold shoulder! You don’t even say hello to me! You just storm into the house all huffy and puffy and get onto me about my record. And on top of that you can’t even tell me _where_ you go all day! ”

“...I _have_ told you where I go. I’m following orders from Dumbledore. What orders, I can’t say. It’s confidential.”

“Confidential? He’s my boss too.”

“It doesn’t have to do with Hogwarts. That’s all I can tell you.”

“Is it dangerous?” you ask.

“Dangerous? Of course, it’s dangerous. What sort of Wizard business _isn’t_? Honestly.” he huffs, “Look. I don’t have to tell you everything. I’m allowed my own privacy. You being as transparent as you are is a personal choice, not an obligation. We’re tabling this discussion.” 

You huff and scratch Lily between her ears. A purr rumbles from her throat. The room is filled with a silence like London fog that spreads thickly around you. 

“Look. I’ve had a long day.” he says, voice and expression softening, “Don’t take my mood personally. It’s not directed at you. ” **Translation: I’m sorry.**

“If it isn’t directed at me then don’t take it out on me next time.” you say “I know that being cynical and cold is part of your personality, but sometimes you go a little too far.” 

“I am aware. I don’t mean it, not when I’m interacting with you. Truly, I don’t. I’ve just been tired and stressed about my assignment. It isn’t an excuse, by any means, but at the very least, I hope you’ll understand my perspective.” he says, “And in the future...I’ll do my utmost to control my tone...” 

“Apology accepted.” you reply. 

Your irritation fades. You sit there for a few moments, letting the tension in the room dissipate some. You gently nudge Lily off your lap and join Severus in the kitchen. You put the kettle to boil again. You walk behind him. You part his hair (which has gotten greasy again) over either shoulder, to expose the nape of his neck, and then knead and massage the kinks from his nape and shoulders. It was your way of showing you truly forgave him.

“I respect your privacy, Sev. I just worry about you, that’s all.”

Nothing much else is said. You stay with him until he finishes eating. He gets up from the table and takes both empty tea mugs, and the now empty plate to the sink and rinses it off.

“Your cooking has improved quite a bit recently.” he says quietly. 

A small smile passes over your lips, “Thanks. I’ve been trying my best…” 

And then the two of you double check the doors are locked and turn in for the night. 

“There’s one more thing you said,” Snape’s purr fills the dark room, “About no one having time for you anymore. Believe me, I’d rather be spending time with you than working. But the truth is, I just can’t. I told you at the beginning of summer that I wouldn’t be able to.” 

“I understand that. You’ve been doing what you can. And I’m grateful that we have a little time in the evenings and one day a week together. All I meant earlier was that in the time we do have...you could stand to be a little more pleasant.” you say. 

“...I’ll do my best.”

**August 1995**

There’s a knock on the door that scares you awake. Severus lurches up and grabs his wand from the nightstand, brandishing it in a clenched fist with gritted teeth. Silence. You both relax. Another knock.

“Someone’s here.” you say, “I’ll get it.” Severus nods, and with a grumble, turns back over. You drag yourself out of bed and pull Severus’s old Slytherin robes, (which have now become your dressing gown), and close them over his button-up shirt and make your way out of the room, down the hall, and down the hidden stairs. You open the secret door behind the bookcase, close it behind you, and cross the small drawing-room to the entry door. 

“COMING!” you exclaim. But in your head, you’re thinking. _Visitors? Since when? We never have visitors, let alone unexpected ones._ Your bare feet pad lightly against the cool wood floors as you head towards the front door. When you open the door, your face lights up. You immediately recognize the young woman in leather with colorful hair. Although her hair is blueish black instead of pink now.

“Eliza!” you beam.

She smiles, “Hello dear~” her airy voice lightly touches the air with the soft smile she wears whenever she looks at her friends.

“What a pleasant surprise! It’s so good to see you!” she’s smothered in a hug before she can step on the welcome mat. You step back, “Come in, come in!” She steps through the door and wipes the heels of her red leather combat boots on the mat. You close the door behind her. 

“Sorry I came without any notice. Normally I’d try to send Sans first, but this was urgent, and Dumbledore’s been telling us to limit our use of owl post. I’ve been sent on business. Not ministry business, something else. I need to talk to you about something important.”

“Don’t worry about showing up without letting me know, it’s a pleasant surprise! Would you like a cuppa tea?”

“Sure.”

“Make yourself comfortable and I’ll get that going for us!” so, she sits down at the table, while you make your way around the familiar kitchen. You fill the kettle and put it on the stove to boil, “We do have to be kind of quiet though. Severus is sleeping. He’s been out working late, late nights, so he’s been really exhausted.”

“Yeah. I get it. I’m in a similar boat.” Eliza replies.

As the two of you wait for the water to boil, you engage in pleasant conversation, catching up with “hi, how are yous” and the latest life anecdotes. By the time the kettle started screaming and the tea had begun steeping, your conversation had strayed far from its original intent.

“Biscuits?” you ask.

“Sure.”

So, you dig manicotti from the back of the cupboard and set a couple pieces on each of your plates. You bring them over to the little round table, set them down, and sit in the spot across from her.

“So, what did you need to talk to me about?” you ask.

“I’m part of the recruiting group for the Order of the Phoenix.” she says quietly.

You furrow your brow. _The Order of the Phoenix? What exactly is…?_

“I’m sorry, what is that?” you ask her.

She furrows her brows and gives you a befuddled expression, “You mean you’ve never heard of it? Snape hasn’t told you? He’s part of it.”

You stiffen and bristle with annoyance, “No. He…failed to mention it.” you say, trying to keep your voice steady, and trying not to let your irritation break through it.

“Well, I mean I guess it is technically a secret organization…” she says quietly, “But anyway. The original Order was founded by Dumbledore to fight you-know-who and his followers, so they’re rallying again to do the same thing. But we need more recruits. We’re desperate right now, and we’re struggling to find them. You-know-who is on the move, and if we don’t get more recruits soon, we’re screwed. I can’t really tell you much more than that. You’ll learn all the information you need to know about it at headquarters, should you decide to join us.”

You’re silent for a moment. It was not as if you didn’t believe that the Dark Lord hadn’t returned like other wizards did. But you had a slightly different dilemma regarding it. “Well…I don’t know. I want to be, because it’s the right thing to do…but…my defense against the dark arts skills...aren’t exactly…expert. I feel like I’d just be more of a hindrance than helpful. I’m okay at charms and potions…but…I don’t know…” you trail off.

“You don’t have to decide right now, but if you do decide to, we’ll do some extra training, if it’ll help you feel better.”

“I need to talk to Severus first. He has some explaining to do. And then I’ll get back to you.” you reply, “I gotta ask though, is there anyone else in the group who is part of it?”

“A few of them, but it isn’t exactly the best idea for me to name names unless we’re at headquarters.”

You nod briskly. 

“One more thing you should also think about. While I think you’d be a great addition because you could keep morale up and because you’re a good wizard, don’t let me pressure you into it. To join us means to be against the government. And it also means that you’ll willingly be risking your life. You could die.”

“But it’s to fight for what’s right.” you say, “To save the world and the people I love. But…” you find yourself going back and forth in your head, toggling yes or no’s and whether or nots…

She reaches across the table and takes your hand, giving it a squeeze, “Sleep on it, Kit. You don’t have to make a decision now.” she emphasized.

You nod, “Okay. I’ll do that.”

You spend a couple of hours chatting at the table, idly sipping your tea, and talking about other, more pleasant things, as opposed to the detrimental matter at hand.

At some point, Severus wanders out of the room in sweatpants and a dressing gown with his hair pulled into a ponytail at the nape of his neck.

“Afternoon.” Eliza greets politely.

Severus nods, before using his wand to fill the kettle and put it on the stove. Eliza turns back to face you, “Anyway. I’d best be going. I have a busy rest of the day. Take care. Call me later about that thing I mentioned.” she gets up from the table, “Thank you for the tea.” she adds. You get up and walk her to the door. You hug her goodbye.

“Love you, Lyze. Take care.” you say.

“Cheers.” she replies, and with a pop, she’s disapparated away, leaving you and Severus alone. The second she’s gone you take a few deep breaths, gain your composure, and head back in the kitchen. You slam your dishes in the sink, and then return rather loudly to the dining chair. The sound causes Severus to look back at you. He can clearly see that you have suddenly become rather displeased.

“What?” he asks.

“You know what.” you say, “You didn’t tell me about the _Order_!” you exclaim. 

“Don’t. Say it so loudly!” he hisses, “There’s ears everywhere!”

“If that’s what you were up to, why didn’t you say anything!?”

“It’s supposed to be secret.” he replies lamely, “Eliza is foolish to come here and talk about it so freely.”

“Don’t insult her.” you snip, “If you all were looking for recruits why didn’t you say anything to me?”

“That’s _exactly_ why I didn’t. Because I knew you’d want to join.” he says, “...Without realizing the danger you’re really getting yourself into.” 

“What? You don’t believe I’m capable of defending myself? Or is it because of my blood type?” you accuse.

“You said so yourself that your defensive magic skills are intermediate at best.” he replies, “And your blood type puts you in even more danger than some of the others.”

You feel anger bubbling in your chest, “So yes, then? Wow. Thanks! That makes me feel absolutely wonderful.”

“No, that’s not what I—those were factors but not the main reason. I kept it from you _NOT_ because I think you’re weak, but because I care too much about you. I’m too selfish to let you risk your life the same way she—” he trails off. 

The atmosphere in the room changes immediately, almost as if a dark cloud has completely enveloped the house, “…My point is. I kept it from you to protect you. I don’t want to fail to protect someone I love again. It was being in the _Order_ that caused her death, and I don’t want you to suffer the same fate. Please don’t join.”

There’s a tense silence between you when the kettle begins screaming. Snape turns away from you and brings his attention back to his tea.

“I’ll join if I want to. You can’t tell me what to do.” you finally say, “It isn’t about living or dying, Severus. It’s about the cause I’m fighting for. If I, as a Muggle-born, am to sit back and watch everything unfold on the sidelines, what does that make me? A coward! And that is something I am absolutely not. All of my fear for you-know-who has turned into a hatred so strong that I am at a point that I will do anything to stop him.”

“You don’t have to be on the frontlines to help!” Snapes exclaims, “You do what you do best- educate the future generation of witches and wizards and prepare them to run this world. Keep yourself safe.”

You cross your arms over your chest, “Hogwarts is already a dangerous place as it is. So, what difference is a little more danger?”

Snape’s eyes flash, “It _isn’t_ just a ‘ _little’_ more danger!” he exclaims. 

“If he’s back the world is in danger. At least if I join it’ll give me a chance to get better at defense against the dark arts and I’ll be actively protecting my loved ones and my students instead of just educating them.”

He grits his teeth, “Stars, why are you being so stubborn about this!? Can you NOT understand I’m trying to help you?”

“By what? Keeping me out of you-know-what while my friends are in it fighting for _my_ rights and the protection of this whole world? Do you realize how much guilt that’s going to give me? Do you realize how badly it’s going to affect me? I’d never be able to sleep peacefully knowing I did nothing!” you snap.

“How many times must I explain myself!?” he pleads. His voice is not angry. It is desperate, almost broken, “Please for Star’s sake. You must listen to me! If you do this, you’re mad!”

“Then it’ll be something else we’ll have in common, right?” you say. 

He bristles, “Every part of me wants to say I won’t allow it. But that will just anger you and make you even more determined to do it. So, I won’t say anything more.” he sighs, “I’ve said my piece already. You do what you want. But I strongly encourage you to think about this.”

“I know you want me to say no. I’ll sleep on it, but I’m pretty sure I’ve already made my decision,” you tell him honestly. 

"I wish Eliza hadn’t said anything to you.” and with that, he picks up his tea and leaves the kitchen. You watch him disappear up the stairs, and you hear him close the office door. You sigh and get up from the table, following him, but going into the bedroom to pet Jareth instead. You close the door behind you and walk over to the perch. Jareth blinks open his sleepy, mismatched eyes. You slowly stroke the barn owl from his head down to his tail. 

“I know he means well, and I get what he’s saying,” you tell your pet, “But he also needs to understand my perspective too. Not just his own…”

-xXx-

The question of will you join the _Order_ or not proceeds to plague you for the rest of the week.


End file.
